Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
(you smell like my crevace after a long day frolicking on a war ship)
After seeing a photo of Cher at the VMA’s, I am beginning to wonder if this thing-cuz surely she cannot be a human-has made a deal with some sort of anti aging succubus, trading her soul for either an amazing plastic surgeon or just an anti aging scheme which allows her to turn back time. My other wonder is whether or not she shaves or lasers what is sure to be one epic dark muff, given her genes, yet not even a mere shadow shows with that outfit when you know damn good and well that her greatly explored canyon is just a few millimeters below that fabric line.
My other confusion is Gaga…do I throw her directly on the bbq? And how bad must she have smelled being in the heat with meat on her body? Where bugs circling her? Was the meat treated to prevent spoiling? And most of all, how much did the Vegans want to stake her to a cross for using the poor little animals for a fashion statement instead of allowing them to over populate while frolicking in fluffy fields?
found an interview on Gaga's Meat drapings:
Monday, September 13, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
Sunday, January 3, 2010
A: Where are you?
Red: You keep sending me homesick pictures...you hag
A: Don't be a weeping twat. Amber says hi!
Red: Ok, cunt. You're at Brian's; rockband; vivace AND my beloved Amber?!! Curse your wicked heart!
A: Amber's teeth...mmm...golden nectar of the gods!
Red: DON'T TOUCH MY WOMEN'S TEETH!!!
A: Mmm, gin & menthol...so good!
Red: Hahha. Goddamn I miss you guys.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
A: what's going on?
lunch break, have to get in all the funny news now...
R: oh, I have no funny news
unless pluggin up Bri's toilet counts?
A: No you and Amber stuff?
R: oh, me and Amber yesss
um, ran into some dude at the Cha Cha she knew who had two dudes with him
those two dudes were really friendly to us, until we opened our mouths and then they got all butt hurt
A: hee hee
R: one was 21 with floppy hair, which wasn't bad, until you got to the fact where his hair was brushed into a wave and he was wearing a Bill Cosby sweater
A: holy shit!
A: these hipsters going the way of the whiny Goth
Robert Smith wannabes will look back in pain
I'm just annoyed the blatantly obvious 80's fashion that they think is ironic
some young girl had a Jeff Gordon NASCAR travel bag
fucking help them all
A: I think I'm just going to dress as a clown for Halloween...
and call myself a hipster
R: they'll be jealous
make sure to wear stone wash jeans
why the fuck is that back?!
A: to make us look good in comparison
R: and much wiser apparently
A: damn straight
Monday, May 18, 2009
Subject: The Dark Knight – Imax
Nathan: Would like to, have LSAT class.
Nathan: *sigh *
Nathan: *glares *
Nathan: ** befuddled by lack of gin, looks suspiciously at you **
Nathan: * *brazenly steals your drink * *
Nathan: ** unhappy with course of events, yells something inappropriate to change subject **
Nathan: * nods to said waiter that I know on a first name basis because I'm always at this freaking bar, gets drink comped, asks bartender to make Gibson "special" by adding blue curacao *
Nathan: *laughs at how red-faced you now are *
Nathan: * gets another drink, takes shot at bar, holds drink in hands while glowering *
Nathan: *basks in the glow of synthetic fabric*
Nathan: ** wonders if sweater wounds will ever heal **
Nathan: * cries gin tears *
Nathan: ** feels stupid for not drinking own tears **
Nathan: ** grumpily enjoys a chance to drink **
Nathan: *eats whatever you ordered *
Nathan: * *unfazed, continues eating chocolate pancakes nom nom nom nom * *
Nathan: ** wonders why still sober and belly hurts **
Nathan: ** looks at watch, discovers it's only , asks if we should get more drinks **
Nathan: ** mulls over leaving passed out
Nathan: ** has
Nathan: * * feels like night is just getting started, orders another, thinks hummer story is hilarious * *
Nathan: ** watches anna bleed, thankful have not yet been kicked out **
Nathan: * * curses your name * *
Nathan: *grudgingly concedes your victory*
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Hey, sometimes, we gotta burn a few bras and let the bad boys swing to our knees
(totally pointless post, I know. But this is the magnificence of my wholly unique care bear stare being-WHA WHAT?!!!)
Monday, February 16, 2009
Name: [redacted. The feds aren't the only ones who love censorship!]
Phone number: [redacted]
Carpooling (with whom, when/where they work, etc.): [redacted]
Any other pertinent info you feel I should know: A perfect, bookish, introverted, fun-loving, analytical, neatnik Leo who enjoys rich & spicy food, good whiskey, falling asleep on her couch, Japanese baths, tater tots and bean dip who also has very intense dreams that tend to come true like the time I dreamed that I fashioned a pair of wings from super-light, indestructible cobalt-titanium alloy and flew into the sun where I was transformed into a multi-dimensional dragon of paradoxically microscopic & astronomic size, with unlimited wisdom, knowledge & beauty as well as omnipotence. I then returned to dominate over the earth in a golden age of discovery, knowledge and partnership with the earth and all living things for 1 million peaceful years, called Pax PaxAnna. Then I got bored, sneezed and blew it all away.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Women work hard to have sleek beautiful non fly-away hair that reflects that of a thousand suns blinding prospective prey (read: men [or ladies; I don’t judge]) in the process. Shit, Anna’s hair alone begs me to pet its soft soft exterior whenever I’m within arm’s length of her, whether she likes it or not! We subject it minimal washings, hot oils, expensive shampoos, styling aids and heat implements; all to make it look like we were blessed with a mane of a Greek Goddess of sex appeal.
This is why this young lady confuses me. Lets ignore the fact that its a progression of puff the magic dragon…from the hair to the eyebrows to the dead animal. It’s making me think of a dandelion that I’d really like to blow on a make a wish for one of the following: end global warming, improvement of our current economy, or hot steamy sex with the bearded tattooed boy I’ve been eyeing for months now.
I’m sure she is a very hip youngster, defying the laws of modern fashion trends and walking her own line of rebel. Alas, I am waiting for her in a dark alley with relaxer and a soft bristle brush. Put your opinions of my snarky sandy vagina aside….cause you have to admit, this hair needs to be tamed
Monday, February 2, 2009
My temporary quick fix of a Hefty garbage bag rain coat met with an untimely accident against:
a rouge weed wacker hell bent on infesting the world with cowboy fringe
a rouge wolverine hell bent on ridding the world of shitting garbage bag rain coats
a rouge fashionista hell bent on supplying an eye sore in the name of trend setting
I did a couple lines of meth while watching a marathon of bad cowboy B Movies and Blade Runner and thought that I was fashion forward and my black vinyl rain guard would be PERFECT with tassels, a zipper and an over sized monk hood…I should totally accessorize with my dull leather old maid shoes from my stint in the Catholic School. I rule
Friday, January 30, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
Then there's the phoenix. This mythical creature burns up at the end of its life to be reborn from its ashes (how masturbatory!). No one has ever seen a live phoenix according to extremist scientific theory, yet I offer you...Mariah Carey.
This singing phoenix started her career emulating the extraordinary-in-ways-we-didn't-even-know-at-that-time Whitney Houston, as seen here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=srX1R812drI (What's up with disabling embedding, Mariah & Sony BMG? Is someone a little insecure about the obvious boob job? Is a big record label still feeling grabby about anything it's associated with? Yeah? Well, TAKE THIS!)
Anyway, Mariah went on to conquer the music world, much like Whitney in the '80's. Then, like Whitney (and Diana before her and blah blah before blah blah), Mariah made a movie. A semi-autobiographical (Wikipedia says it is so, so it is so!) movie so misunderstood by the establishment & the ignorant masses that Mariah won a Golden Raspberry (is there anything this woman can't do?). GLITTER. (If you haven't watched GLITTER , dear reader, you must netflix that puppy right quick. It is glorious. It is almost as good as SHOWGIRLS except you don't get all the nekkid violent sex that makes one want to pick up a rape kit afterwards). Unfortunately, Mariah had a meltdown around the same time Glitter was released. She burned out.
True to her nature, Mariah then rose from the ashes to expand her art beyond the whale music heights of singles like "Emotion" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vlyVcQ8GmK0 (Really, why don't you want to let sites embed videos, Mariah & Sony? It's only free advertising. Take it easy, try it out. Here.)
Anyhoos, Mariah surpassed whale music to the breathy, airy music quality that any person can do but no one as well as Mariah. Mariah still lives large musically, but has yet to rise from the ashes of her movie career. Until now. People, PUSH! http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0929632/ (What's up with no "Push" movie site, Mariah? What's up with that? Why isn't the trailer on youtube, Mariah? 'Sup?). Apparently, this teenage pregnancy/incest movie swept Sundance. That's right, Mariah fugged herself up for a movie a la, well, everyone and is getting her well-deserved CRED.
The momentum cannot stop here. Mariah must do a period piece of great substance. She must have the opportunity to demonstrate, no, artistically express the classics love deep within her pushed-up heart. Mariah must star in a BBC produced Jane Austen mini-series. But it's can't be any old Jane Austen production. It must be a ZOMBIE Jane Austen. Imagine all the future fanfiction based on this movie! Proper grammar and eating entrails and...MARIAH.
*Oh, and she also married a teenager. Score!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
SMACK BOOM PUNCH POW…
Stabbed by the horns of sweet justice
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Bret seems to have weeded out a good handful of boring misses on the show within the first two episodes; and frankly, thank the blessed cheese gods of this fact cause this show is here to make me feel BETTER about my life…While there seems to be a solid handful of ladies on this show that would be labeled ‘hot mess’; there is one that would take the prize, nay, shall I say CROWN for hot mess…Queen Hot Messitribialadysomethingorother…I must confess, she was my favorite of all seasons and dare I say it…messier than Daisy plastic contraption doll of yesteryear; a single tear feel and my guts cried for mercy when she was let go in the first episode...where she sat, alone, unable to walk in her intoxication long after the set had cleared:
(Aka, DJ Lady Tribe, import model, LA street tagger)
Why do you find yourself face first in troth of booze? Apparently this horse can be led to water and drink the whole damn lake. Do you feel like you are hiding behind its gift of liquid courage? I have the pleasure of knowing you from the import car realm, modeling, DJ’in and your life as an L.A. tagger…you are no stranger to being in front of the public eye and the affections of men(and women), no matter how douchey.
Yet for some reason booze was your ally. I cannot remark as to what brought you to this stage in life…Oh sure, I can throw out the old clichés that all therapists and would be know-it-alls like to use…abuse, searching for love to fill a hole one or both parents created, troubled youth, or maybe all of the above and whatever else you can throw in a bucket mixed with Vodka and dash of anti psychotics.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Scenario A: Maybe daddy didn’t hold you enough, resulting in this need to expose one’s self to gain the attention of a man you barely know. Did you barely know your father? Did he pay more attention to your brother? Possibly causing him to lean towards the homoerotic tendencies as he played grab ass in the locker room with his fellow football teammates. After all, daddy never wanted a little princess, now did he? Nor did he want his milkmaid dressed in clothing clearly the size of your mother’s fine linen napkins reserved for special dinner guests. You do realize that insufficient clothing can cause the body’s immune system to weaken due to fighting off infection from various forms of germs contacted through bare skin? Let alone the possible yeast infections or UTI’s you could contact if (I shudder to think it) you weren’t wearing the proper lady garments.
Scenario B: Perhaps daddy held you too much? As in, inappropriate ways and no, that is NOT an acceptable form of tickling; thus creating daddy issues that seem to befall the all too common stereotypical plague placed upon women who take their clothing off in a form of attention. Tsk tsk, I’m sorry dear; I’m not implying that YOU are a stripper; because we all know strippers get paid. You however, just strip to be an exabitionist cray cray loony on television, going after a man who’s been quoted to don the fineries of European hair extensions. Do you think your grandmother is spinning in her grave? Of course she is dear…
Next session we’ll discuss how you let another woman put a test tube filled with alcohol into your vaginal cavity for her to intake. Just because a vagina passes new life into the world, doesn’t mean you should take “drinking from the cup of life” to a whole new level.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Subject: It was very rude
…of you to put the foo fighters on my Pandora. No bueno.
It’s very rude to not like the foo fighters.
It’s incredibly tasteless to like the foo fighters.
It’s unforgiveable to disparage the foo fighters.
It’s a capital crime to waste one’s time defending the foo fighters.
It’s inhuman to threaten a foo fighter fan.
It’s Darwinism at its best when foo fighter fans are threatened.
You may have my sword, you’ve clearly beaten me.
Anna: ooh, yes let's!
Mel: we're funny and oh so clever
Anna: but I would have to find a way to be witty at all times
Mel: what would we talk about?
Anna: I'd love a place to post all of the random quirky/funny/gross shite I find and we'd talk about whatever we want
Mel: good idea. What would we call it?
Mel: nah, too smarty pants
Anna: as a word lover, vacuous is good
Mel: vacant is simple and good too. Innocuous reminds me of the LCD song
Anna: Innocuous connotes innocence. Oooh, we could use a LCD quote as the header! Get Innocuous? Losing My Edge?
Mel: focus Anna
Anna: Oh, insipid is another good one. Vacuous & Insipid. Maybe use both
Mel: hmmm...not bad
Anna: it makes the point by being redundant
Mel: right, but I feel like it’s too complicated...like people will go "wait Bertha, what was them words again?" "I dunno Jed, yous was always the smart one"
Anna: Again, making the point!
Mel: I’m just thinking simplify, but I am down for clever, bask in our intelligent glory and Mel's bad spelling I think I will purposefully not spell check my entries
Anna: I'm all for fancying it up with a bunch of words I read in the New Yorker and pretend to use all the time.
Mel: LOL. Deal
Mel: and I can use myself as an example of the failure of school systems
Anna: fantastic! I'll use myself as an example of failed potential
Anna: and the dangers of high intelligence grouped with deep emotional problems & a high dose of laziness
Mel: I just laughed OUT LOUD, like OMFG LOL
Anna: this blog will be so bad ass, we'll get a book deal
Mel: HA, I wish
Anna: and it will be made into a movie, I'm trying to decide if it would be cool enough that Margaret Cho would play me
Mel: OH and then I can retire and have lots and lots of sex with Adrian Brody
Anna: or if I should go for the skinny Lana bitch from Smallville
Mel: Cho rules but who would play me?
Anna: Adrian Brody is the only really, really skinny man I really want to devour in bed
Mel: yes yes, I want to break him...and I KNOW that dude's packing
Anna: he looks like fun; like, spend the morning in bed & then hit the town fun
Mel: mmmmmm delicious fun
Anna: Adrian Brody makes me ovulate.
Mel: we'll share
So it is born upon you poor souls, that we shall pollute your eyes with our dribble, spewing forth like diarrhea of the mouth after consuming burnt curry at a 1star Indian restaurant...our blog.
(because we're fucking bored and need something to waste our excess time on)
Originally posted by Red Headed Devil