Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Say whaaaa?!


Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Gaga's Meat Curtains

(you smell like my crevace after a long day frolicking on a war ship)

After seeing a photo of Cher at the VMA’s, I am beginning to wonder if this thing-cuz surely she cannot be a human-has made a deal with some sort of anti aging succubus, trading her soul for either an amazing plastic surgeon or just an anti aging scheme which allows her to turn back time. My other wonder is whether or not she shaves or lasers what is sure to be one epic dark muff, given her genes, yet not even a mere shadow shows with that outfit when you know damn good and well that her greatly explored canyon is just a few millimeters below that fabric line.

My other confusion is Gaga…do I throw her directly on the bbq? And how bad must she have smelled being in the heat with meat on her body? Where bugs circling her? Was the meat treated to prevent spoiling? And most of all, how much did the Vegans want to stake her to a cross for using the poor little animals for a fashion statement instead of allowing them to over populate while frolicking in fluffy fields?

found an interview on Gaga's Meat drapings:

Monday, September 13, 2010

Why I love Anna

“my new queen bed frame…
Tonight’s safe word is ‘splinter’”

Monday, February 15, 2010



Sunday, January 3, 2010

So Move Back Already

A: Where are you?

Red: You keep sending me homesick hag

A: Don't be a weeping twat. Amber says hi!

Red: Ok, cunt. You're at Brian's; rockband; vivace AND my beloved Amber?!! Curse your wicked heart!

A: Amber's teeth...mmm...golden nectar of the gods!


A: Mmm, gin & good!

Red: Hahha. Goddamn I miss you guys.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Damn I miss this shit

‪A: ‬ ‪yo‬
Red: ‬ ‪yoooo
‪A: ‬ ‪what's going on?‬
lunch break, have to get in all the funny news now...
R: ‬ ‪oh, I have no funny news‬
unless pluggin up Bri's toilet counts?
R: :|
A: No you and Amber stuff?
‪R: ‬ ‪oh, me and Amber ye‬sss
um, ran into some dude at the Cha Cha she knew who had two dudes with him
those two dudes were really friendly to us, until we opened our mouths and then they got all butt hurt
‪A: ‬ ‪hee hee
‪R: ‬ ‪one was 21 with floppy hair, which wasn't bad, until you got to the fact where his hair was brushed into a wave and he was wearing a Bill Cosby sweater‬
‪A: ‬ ‪holy shit‬!
and 21
no bueno
‪R: ‬ ‪exactly
‪A: ‬ ‪these hipsters‬‬ ‪going the way of the whiny Goth‬
Robert Smith wannabes will look back in pain
‪R: ‬ ‪HA
I'm just annoyed the blatantly obvious 80's fashion that they think is ironic‬
some young girl had a Jeff Gordon NASCAR travel bag
really? REALLY?!!!
fucking help them all
‪A: ‬ ‪I think I'm just going to dress as a clown for Halloween‬...
and call myself a hipster
‪R: ‬ ‪they'll be jealous
make sure to wear stone wash jeans
why the fuck is that back?!
‪A: ‬ ‪to make us look good in comparison‬
‪R: ‬ ‪and much wiser apparently‬
‪A: ‬ ‪damn straight‬


Monday, May 18, 2009

Self-Indulgent Nostalgia,or really old email

Subject: The Dark Knight – Imax

Anna: Want to go Weds night, 7:45 showing?

Nathan: Would like to, have LSAT class.

Anna: Whatevs

Nathan: *sigh *

Anna: *rolls eyes*

Nathan: *glares *

Anna: *surreptitiously drinks the rest of your G&T*

Nathan: ** befuddled by lack of gin, looks suspiciously at you **

Anna: *quietly fills glass with water & salt*

Nathan: * *brazenly steals your drink * *

Anna: *...of lukewarm, watered down vodka tonic*

Nathan: ** unhappy with course of events, yells something inappropriate to change subject **

Anna: *apologizes to the waiter who has walked over to ask for quiet & covertly orders a gibson on Nathan's tab*

Nathan: * nods to said waiter that I know on a first name basis because I'm always at this freaking bar, gets drink comped, asks bartender to make Gibson "special" by adding blue curacao *

Anna: *quickly drinks your G&T again*

Nathan: *laughs at how red-faced you now are *

Anna: *pops anti-asian glow pills & enjoys that blue caracao gibson*

Nathan: * gets another drink, takes shot at bar, holds drink in hands while glowering *

Anna: *accidentally spills blue caracao gibson on Nathan's vintage shirt*

Nathan: *basks in the glow of synthetic fabric*

Anna: *watches the obscure vintage synthetic fabric fuse to chest rug, resurrecting the old hair sweater of college days. Cries*

Nathan: ** wonders if sweater wounds will ever heal **

Anna: *hair sweater venom causes permanent, angry scars. Drinks Nathan's scotch*

Nathan: * cries gin tears *

Anna: *gathers tears, bottles them & sells tear gin on ebay*

Nathan: ** feels stupid for not drinking own tears **

Anna: *rolls around in $100$ $dolla$ $bills$*

Nathan: ** grumpily enjoys a chance to drink **

Anna: *insists on going to IHOP where I will refuse to eat*

Nathan: *eats whatever you ordered *

Anna: *makes you lose your appetite by dry heaving at the table*

Nathan: * *unfazed, continues eating chocolate pancakes nom nom nom nom * *

Anna: *swishes mouth with your water, finishes your last bite, gets chocolate chip in front teeth & starts hitting on the clearly annoyed & gay waiter*

Nathan: ** wonders why still sober and belly hurts **

Anna: *(BURP) wonders why no one loves me*

Nathan: ** looks at watch, discovers it's only 9pm, asks if we should get more drinks **

Anna: "ZigZag!" *passes out in car on the way there*

Nathan: ** mulls over leaving passed out Anna in car on Western while getting a drink at the Zig Zag **

Anna: *fakes sleep in order to take car out on joyride*

Nathan: ** has Murray make something awesome to make up for the impending car crash **

Anna: *Joyride ends 50 feet from ZigZag when car crashes at 5mph into a hummer. Wakes up & staggers to ZigZag. Orders bourbon*

Nathan: * * feels like night is just getting started, orders another, thinks hummer story is hilarious * *

Anna: *at a loss to explain what happened to car or why knuckles are scraped up & bloody*

Nathan: ** watches anna bleed, thankful have not yet been kicked out **

Anna: *86'd*

Nathan: * * curses your name * *

Anna: *nirvana achieved*

Nathan: *grudgingly concedes your victory*

Anna: *pats your enormous frizzy head*

Thursday, May 7, 2009

You devil, you

So Lucifer says to me the other day...

"Mel, I really like your work on Vampid. It really catches the essence of asshole that I try to promote"

to which I reply...

"Thanks Lou, I like your work too. That who Bush administration...tits man...tits"

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Play some Freebird man!!!!

my sweater is totally itchy and hot. Would it be incredibly inappropriate of me to tear it off, run around showing off my decolletage and scream "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard..."?

Hey, sometimes, we gotta burn a few bras and let the bad boys swing to our knees

(totally pointless post, I know. But this is the magnificence of my wholly unique care bear stare being-WHA WHAT?!!!)

Monday, February 16, 2009

Professionalism at its Best

My goofy reply to a part-time work email.

Name: [redacted. The feds aren't the only ones who love censorship!]

Phone number: [redacted]

Availability: [redacted]

Carpooling (with whom, when/where they work, etc.): [redacted]

Any other pertinent info you feel I should know: A perfect, bookish, introverted, fun-loving, analytical, neatnik Leo who enjoys rich & spicy food, good whiskey, falling asleep on her couch, Japanese baths, tater tots and bean dip who also has very intense dreams that tend to come true like the time I dreamed that I fashioned a pair of wings from super-light, indestructible cobalt-titanium alloy and flew into the sun where I was transformed into a multi-dimensional dragon of paradoxically microscopic & astronomic size, with unlimited wisdom, knowledge & beauty as well as omnipotence. I then returned to dominate over the earth in a golden age of discovery, knowledge and partnership with the earth and all living things for 1 million peaceful years, called Pax PaxAnna. Then I got bored, sneezed and blew it all away.



Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Can you imagine what her nethers look like?!

Women work hard to have sleek beautiful non fly-away hair that reflects that of a thousand suns blinding prospective prey (read: men [or ladies; I don’t judge]) in the process. Shit, Anna’s hair alone begs me to pet its soft soft exterior whenever I’m within arm’s length of her, whether she likes it or not! We subject it minimal washings, hot oils, expensive shampoos, styling aids and heat implements; all to make it look like we were blessed with a mane of a Greek Goddess of sex appeal.

This is why this young lady confuses me. Lets ignore the fact that its a progression of puff the magic dragon…from the hair to the eyebrows to the dead animal. It’s making me think of a dandelion that I’d really like to blow on a make a wish for one of the following: end global warming, improvement of our current economy, or hot steamy sex with the bearded tattooed boy I’ve been eyeing for months now.

I’m sure she is a very hip youngster, defying the laws of modern fashion trends and walking her own line of rebel. Alas, I am waiting for her in a dark alley with relaxer and a soft bristle brush. Put your opinions of my snarky sandy vagina aside….cause you have to admit, this hair needs to be tamed

Monday, February 2, 2009

Beware the porcupine lady

I would say couture because typically you think of craziness and avant-garde fashion with that word…you also think of its intention, which is “hand-made” one offs…however I look at this and think the following:

My temporary quick fix of a Hefty garbage bag rain coat met with an untimely accident against:
a rouge weed wacker hell bent on infesting the world with cowboy fringe
a rouge wolverine hell bent on ridding the world of shitting garbage bag rain coats
a rouge fashionista hell bent on supplying an eye sore in the name of trend setting


I did a couple lines of meth while watching a marathon of bad cowboy B Movies and Blade Runner and thought that I was fashion forward and my black vinyl rain guard would be PERFECT with tassels, a zipper and an over sized monk hood…I should totally accessorize with my dull leather old maid shoes from my stint in the Catholic School. I rule

Friday, January 30, 2009

Adrian, Be My Friend!

Not really because you'd mess with my dumb head & I don't hate myself that much. But we'd have a great downward spiral of a fling.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Life is Magical

Most people don't think that unicorns exist, then Red Headed Devil goes out and finds that not only do unicorns exist but they also can exist on every digit on your tacky body, ready to defend your honor when those irritating bar fights come up.

Then there's the phoenix. This mythical creature burns up at the end of its life to be reborn from its ashes (how masturbatory!). No one has ever seen a live phoenix according to extremist scientific theory, yet I offer you...Mariah Carey.

This singing phoenix started her career emulating the extraordinary-in-ways-we-didn't-even-know-at-that-time Whitney Houston, as seen here (What's up with disabling embedding, Mariah & Sony BMG? Is someone a little insecure about the obvious boob job? Is a big record label still feeling grabby about anything it's associated with? Yeah? Well, TAKE THIS!)

Anyway, Mariah went on to conquer the music world, much like Whitney in the '80's. Then, like Whitney (and Diana before her and blah blah before blah blah), Mariah made a movie. A semi-autobiographical (Wikipedia says it is so, so it is so!) movie so misunderstood by the establishment & the ignorant masses that Mariah won a Golden Raspberry (is there anything this woman can't do?). GLITTER. (If you haven't watched
GLITTER , dear reader, you must netflix that puppy right quick. It is glorious. It is almost as good as SHOWGIRLS except you don't get all the nekkid violent sex that makes one want to pick up a rape kit afterwards). Unfortunately, Mariah had a meltdown around the same time Glitter was released. She burned out.

True to her nature, Mariah then rose from the ashes to expand her art beyond the whale music heights of singles like "Emotion" (Really, why don't you want to let sites embed videos, Mariah & Sony? It's only free advertising. Take it easy, try it out. Here.)

Anyhoos, Mariah surpassed whale music to the breathy, airy music quality that any person can do but no one as well as Mariah. Mariah still lives large musically, but has yet to rise from the ashes of her movie career. Until now. People, PUSH!
(What's up with no "Push" movie site, Mariah? What's up with that? Why isn't the trailer on youtube, Mariah? 'Sup?). Apparently, this teenage pregnancy/incest movie swept Sundance. That's right, Mariah fugged herself up for a movie a la, well, everyone and is getting her well-deserved CRED.

The momentum cannot stop here. Mariah must do a period piece of great substance. She must have the opportunity to demonstrate, no, artistically express the classics love deep within her pushed-up heart. Mariah must star in a BBC produced Jane Austen mini-series. But it's can't be any old Jane Austen production. It must be a ZOMBIE Jane Austen. Imagine all the future fanfiction based on this movie! Proper grammar and eating entrails and...MARIAH.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

More hardcore than gansta rap YO

Although the sheer tacky factor would normally have me on my knees under the pope’s robes prepared to thank the lord for bestowing us with such a magnificent jewelry item such as this… I must confess, I want a rig of these bitches for all four fingers for the danger factor.
These things could prove to be far more deadly or damaging than a set of brass knuckles. Seriously you could punch someone and aerate them of blood the way you wear those funny spiky shoes to aerate the lawn. Somehow the thought of doing harm with a mythological 14kt gold horned creature, almost seems redeeming; like all the forgotten unicorns of the world are getting payback for thinking them not real and we TOTALLY know these bitches are real and since you don’t believe…


Stabbed by the horns of sweet justice

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Nikki, Rock of Love III, examination...

Rock of Love is a guilty pleasure for me…one of which makes me realize that roaming out into the public eye armed in 6” stripper heels, skirts flirting to expose the virginal lady bits only God and my future husband will enjoy, and over inflated breasts of watermelon proportions; are not what I need to hook myself a decent specimen of a man...but an aging rocker scum bag hell bent on finding a woman who won’t care if he brings an extra set of implants, piercings or bucket size vag to the bedroom. Prince charming he is not.

Bret seems to have weeded out a good handful of boring misses on the show within the first two episodes; and frankly, thank the blessed cheese gods of this fact cause this show is here to make me feel BETTER about my life…While there seems to be a solid handful of ladies on this show that would be labeled ‘hot mess’; there is one that would take the prize, nay, shall I say CROWN for hot mess…Queen Hot Messitribialadysomethingorother…I must confess, she was my favorite of all seasons and dare I say it…messier than Daisy plastic contraption doll of yesteryear; a single tear feel and my guts cried for mercy when she was let go in the first episode...where she sat, alone, unable to walk in her intoxication long after the set had cleared:

(Aka, DJ Lady Tribe, import model, LA street tagger)

Why do you find yourself face first in troth of booze? Apparently this horse can be led to water and drink the whole damn lake. Do you feel like you are hiding behind its gift of liquid courage? I have the pleasure of knowing you from the import car realm, modeling, DJ’in and your life as an L.A. tagger…you are no stranger to being in front of the public eye and the affections of men(and women), no matter how douchey.

Yet for some reason booze was your ally. I cannot remark as to what brought you to this stage in life…Oh sure, I can throw out the old clichés that all therapists and would be know-it-alls like to use…abuse, searching for love to fill a hole one or both parents created, troubled youth, or maybe all of the above and whatever else you can throw in a bucket mixed with Vodka and dash of anti psychotics.
You were prized above all else in this hodgepodge of you were ducky enough to insert a vile of alcohol into another woman's vaginal cavity to greedily consume into your ready mouth...makes me think of one with a fancy for a of both words?

Nothing gonna make that shit taste better

I dunno, perhaps it's just me...but if you have to put a lime into a PBR to make that shit taste better...perhaps you should just drink a better beer

Am I right or am I right?!
I'm fucking right and you know it!

Friday, January 16, 2009

Therapy Session: Gia (rockluvIII)

Ahhh Gia, we can go one of two ways with the clichés here…

Scenario A: Maybe daddy didn’t hold you enough, resulting in this need to expose one’s self to gain the attention of a man you barely know. Did you barely know your father? Did he pay more attention to your brother? Possibly causing him to lean towards the homoerotic tendencies as he played grab ass in the locker room with his fellow football teammates. After all, daddy never wanted a little princess, now did he? Nor did he want his milkmaid dressed in clothing clearly the size of your mother’s fine linen napkins reserved for special dinner guests. You do realize that insufficient clothing can cause the body’s immune system to weaken due to fighting off infection from various forms of germs contacted through bare skin? Let alone the possible yeast infections or UTI’s you could contact if (I shudder to think it) you weren’t wearing the proper lady garments.

Scenario B: Perhaps daddy held you too much? As in, inappropriate ways and no, that is NOT an acceptable form of tickling; thus creating daddy issues that seem to befall the all too common stereotypical plague placed upon women who take their clothing off in a form of attention. Tsk tsk, I’m sorry dear; I’m not implying that YOU are a stripper; because we all know strippers get paid. You however, just strip to be an exabitionist cray cray loony on television, going after a man who’s been quoted to don the fineries of European hair extensions. Do you think your grandmother is spinning in her grave? Of course she is dear…

Next session we’ll discuss how you let another woman put a test tube filled with alcohol into your vaginal cavity for her to intake. Just because a vagina passes new life into the world, doesn’t mean you should take “drinking from the cup of life” to a whole new level.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

It was very rude

From: Anna

To: Nathan

Subject: It was very rude

…of you to put the foo fighters on my Pandora. No bueno.

From: Nathan

To: Anna

It’s very rude to not like the foo fighters.

From: Anna

To: Nathan

It’s incredibly tasteless to like the foo fighters.

From: Nathan

To: Anna

It’s unforgiveable to disparage the foo fighters.

From: Anna

To: Nathan

It’s a capital crime to waste one’s time defending the foo fighters.

From: Nathan

To: Anna

It’s inhuman to threaten a foo fighter fan.

From: Anna

To: Nathan

It’s Darwinism at its best when foo fighter fans are threatened.

From: Nathan

To: Anna

You may have my sword, you’ve clearly beaten me.


The handsoap in the office kitchen was very warm and I am grossed out.

Cause what else are we going to do? Work?!!

Mel: can we create a snarky blog together?
Anna: ooh, yes let's!
Mel: we're funny and oh so clever
Anna: but I would have to find a way to be witty at all times
Mel: what would we talk about?
Anna: I'd love a place to post all of the random quirky/funny/gross shite I find and we'd talk about whatever we want
Mel: good idea. What would we call it?
Anna: asinine?
Mel: nah, too smarty pants
Anna: synonyms
Mel: innocuous
Anna: as a word lover, vacuous is good
Mel: vacant is simple and good too. Innocuous reminds me of the LCD song
Anna: Innocuous connotes innocence. Oooh, we could use a LCD quote as the header! Get Innocuous? Losing My Edge?
Mel: focus Anna
Anna: Oh, insipid is another good one. Vacuous & Insipid. Maybe use both
Mel: hmmm...not bad
Anna: it makes the point by being redundant
Mel: right, but I feel like it’s too people will go "wait Bertha, what was them words again?" "I dunno Jed, yous was always the smart one"
Anna: Again, making the point!
Mel: I’m just thinking simplify, but I am down for clever, bask in our intelligent glory and Mel's bad spelling I think I will purposefully not spell check my entries
Anna: I'm all for fancying it up with a bunch of words I read in the New Yorker and pretend to use all the time.
Mel: LOL. Deal
Anna: Excellent
Mel: and I can use myself as an example of the failure of school systems
Anna: fantastic! I'll use myself as an example of failed potential
Mel: HA
Anna: and the dangers of high intelligence grouped with deep emotional problems & a high dose of laziness
Mel: I just laughed OUT LOUD, like OMFG LOL
Anna: this blog will be so bad ass, we'll get a book deal
Mel: HA, I wish
Anna: and it will be made into a movie, I'm trying to decide if it would be cool enough that Margaret Cho would play me
Mel: OH and then I can retire and have lots and lots of sex with Adrian Brody
Anna: or if I should go for the skinny Lana bitch from Smallville
Mel: Cho rules but who would play me?
Anna: Adrian Brody is the only really, really skinny man I really want to devour in bed
Mel: yes yes, I want to break him...and I KNOW that dude's packing
Anna: he looks like fun; like, spend the morning in bed & then hit the town fun
Mel: mmmmmm delicious fun
Anna: Adrian Brody makes me ovulate.
Mel: we'll share
Anna: deal

So it is born upon you poor souls, that we shall pollute your eyes with our dribble, spewing forth like diarrhea of the mouth after consuming burnt curry at a 1star Indian restaurant...our blog.

(because we're fucking bored and need something to waste our excess time on)