Monday, January 26, 2009

Life is Magical

Most people don't think that unicorns exist, then Red Headed Devil goes out and finds that not only do unicorns exist but they also can exist on every digit on your tacky body, ready to defend your honor when those irritating bar fights come up.

Then there's the phoenix. This mythical creature burns up at the end of its life to be reborn from its ashes (how masturbatory!). No one has ever seen a live phoenix according to extremist scientific theory, yet I offer you...Mariah Carey.

This singing phoenix started her career emulating the extraordinary-in-ways-we-didn't-even-know-at-that-time Whitney Houston, as seen here (What's up with disabling embedding, Mariah & Sony BMG? Is someone a little insecure about the obvious boob job? Is a big record label still feeling grabby about anything it's associated with? Yeah? Well, TAKE THIS!)

Anyway, Mariah went on to conquer the music world, much like Whitney in the '80's. Then, like Whitney (and Diana before her and blah blah before blah blah), Mariah made a movie. A semi-autobiographical (Wikipedia says it is so, so it is so!) movie so misunderstood by the establishment & the ignorant masses that Mariah won a Golden Raspberry (is there anything this woman can't do?). GLITTER. (If you haven't watched
GLITTER , dear reader, you must netflix that puppy right quick. It is glorious. It is almost as good as SHOWGIRLS except you don't get all the nekkid violent sex that makes one want to pick up a rape kit afterwards). Unfortunately, Mariah had a meltdown around the same time Glitter was released. She burned out.

True to her nature, Mariah then rose from the ashes to expand her art beyond the whale music heights of singles like "Emotion" (Really, why don't you want to let sites embed videos, Mariah & Sony? It's only free advertising. Take it easy, try it out. Here.)

Anyhoos, Mariah surpassed whale music to the breathy, airy music quality that any person can do but no one as well as Mariah. Mariah still lives large musically, but has yet to rise from the ashes of her movie career. Until now. People, PUSH!
(What's up with no "Push" movie site, Mariah? What's up with that? Why isn't the trailer on youtube, Mariah? 'Sup?). Apparently, this teenage pregnancy/incest movie swept Sundance. That's right, Mariah fugged herself up for a movie a la, well, everyone and is getting her well-deserved CRED.

The momentum cannot stop here. Mariah must do a period piece of great substance. She must have the opportunity to demonstrate, no, artistically express the classics love deep within her pushed-up heart. Mariah must star in a BBC produced Jane Austen mini-series. But it's can't be any old Jane Austen production. It must be a ZOMBIE Jane Austen. Imagine all the future fanfiction based on this movie! Proper grammar and eating entrails and...MARIAH.

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