Not really because you'd mess with my dumb head & I don't hate myself that much. But we'd have a great downward spiral of a fling.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
Life is Magical
Most people don't think that unicorns exist, then Red Headed Devil goes out and finds that not only do unicorns exist but they also can exist on every digit on your tacky body, ready to defend your honor when those irritating bar fights come up.
Then there's the phoenix. This mythical creature burns up at the end of its life to be reborn from its ashes (how masturbatory!). No one has ever seen a live phoenix according to extremist scientific theory, yet I offer you...Mariah Carey.
This singing phoenix started her career emulating the extraordinary-in-ways-we-didn't-even-know-at-that-time Whitney Houston, as seen here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=srX1R812drI (What's up with disabling embedding, Mariah & Sony BMG? Is someone a little insecure about the obvious boob job? Is a big record label still feeling grabby about anything it's associated with? Yeah? Well, TAKE THIS!)
Anyway, Mariah went on to conquer the music world, much like Whitney in the '80's. Then, like Whitney (and Diana before her and blah blah before blah blah), Mariah made a movie. A semi-autobiographical (Wikipedia says it is so, so it is so!) movie so misunderstood by the establishment & the ignorant masses that Mariah won a Golden Raspberry (is there anything this woman can't do?). GLITTER. (If you haven't watched GLITTER , dear reader, you must netflix that puppy right quick. It is glorious. It is almost as good as SHOWGIRLS except you don't get all the nekkid violent sex that makes one want to pick up a rape kit afterwards). Unfortunately, Mariah had a meltdown around the same time Glitter was released. She burned out.
True to her nature, Mariah then rose from the ashes to expand her art beyond the whale music heights of singles like "Emotion" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vlyVcQ8GmK0 (Really, why don't you want to let sites embed videos, Mariah & Sony? It's only free advertising. Take it easy, try it out. Here.)
Anyhoos, Mariah surpassed whale music to the breathy, airy music quality that any person can do but no one as well as Mariah. Mariah still lives large musically, but has yet to rise from the ashes of her movie career. Until now. People, PUSH! http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0929632/ (What's up with no "Push" movie site, Mariah? What's up with that? Why isn't the trailer on youtube, Mariah? 'Sup?). Apparently, this teenage pregnancy/incest movie swept Sundance. That's right, Mariah fugged herself up for a movie a la, well, everyone and is getting her well-deserved CRED.
The momentum cannot stop here. Mariah must do a period piece of great substance. She must have the opportunity to demonstrate, no, artistically express the classics love deep within her pushed-up heart. Mariah must star in a BBC produced Jane Austen mini-series. But it's can't be any old Jane Austen production. It must be a ZOMBIE Jane Austen. Imagine all the future fanfiction based on this movie! Proper grammar and eating entrails and...MARIAH.
http://www.chroniclebooks.com/index/main,book-info/store,books/products_id,7847/title,Pride-and-Prejudice-and-Zombies/
*Oh, and she also married a teenager. Score!
Then there's the phoenix. This mythical creature burns up at the end of its life to be reborn from its ashes (how masturbatory!). No one has ever seen a live phoenix according to extremist scientific theory, yet I offer you...Mariah Carey.
This singing phoenix started her career emulating the extraordinary-in-ways-we-didn't-even-know-at-that-time Whitney Houston, as seen here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=srX1R812drI (What's up with disabling embedding, Mariah & Sony BMG? Is someone a little insecure about the obvious boob job? Is a big record label still feeling grabby about anything it's associated with? Yeah? Well, TAKE THIS!)
Anyway, Mariah went on to conquer the music world, much like Whitney in the '80's. Then, like Whitney (and Diana before her and blah blah before blah blah), Mariah made a movie. A semi-autobiographical (Wikipedia says it is so, so it is so!) movie so misunderstood by the establishment & the ignorant masses that Mariah won a Golden Raspberry (is there anything this woman can't do?). GLITTER. (If you haven't watched GLITTER , dear reader, you must netflix that puppy right quick. It is glorious. It is almost as good as SHOWGIRLS except you don't get all the nekkid violent sex that makes one want to pick up a rape kit afterwards). Unfortunately, Mariah had a meltdown around the same time Glitter was released. She burned out.
True to her nature, Mariah then rose from the ashes to expand her art beyond the whale music heights of singles like "Emotion" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vlyVcQ8GmK0 (Really, why don't you want to let sites embed videos, Mariah & Sony? It's only free advertising. Take it easy, try it out. Here.)
Anyhoos, Mariah surpassed whale music to the breathy, airy music quality that any person can do but no one as well as Mariah. Mariah still lives large musically, but has yet to rise from the ashes of her movie career. Until now. People, PUSH! http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0929632/ (What's up with no "Push" movie site, Mariah? What's up with that? Why isn't the trailer on youtube, Mariah? 'Sup?). Apparently, this teenage pregnancy/incest movie swept Sundance. That's right, Mariah fugged herself up for a movie a la, well, everyone and is getting her well-deserved CRED.
The momentum cannot stop here. Mariah must do a period piece of great substance. She must have the opportunity to demonstrate, no, artistically express the classics love deep within her pushed-up heart. Mariah must star in a BBC produced Jane Austen mini-series. But it's can't be any old Jane Austen production. It must be a ZOMBIE Jane Austen. Imagine all the future fanfiction based on this movie! Proper grammar and eating entrails and...MARIAH.
http://www.chroniclebooks.com/index/main,book-info/store,books/products_id,7847/title,Pride-and-Prejudice-and-Zombies/
*Oh, and she also married a teenager. Score!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
More hardcore than gansta rap YO
Although the sheer tacky factor would normally have me on my knees under the pope’s robes prepared to thank the lord for bestowing us with such a magnificent jewelry item such as this… I must confess, I want a rig of these bitches for all four fingers for the danger factor.
These things could prove to be far more deadly or damaging than a set of brass knuckles. Seriously you could punch someone and aerate them of blood the way you wear those funny spiky shoes to aerate the lawn. Somehow the thought of doing harm with a mythological 14kt gold horned creature, almost seems redeeming; like all the forgotten unicorns of the world are getting payback for thinking them not real and we TOTALLY know these bitches are real and since you don’t believe…
SMACK BOOM PUNCH POW…
Stabbed by the horns of sweet justice
SMACK BOOM PUNCH POW…
Stabbed by the horns of sweet justice
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Nikki, Rock of Love III, examination...
Rock of Love is a guilty pleasure for me…one of which makes me realize that roaming out into the public eye armed in 6” stripper heels, skirts flirting to expose the virginal lady bits only God and my future husband will enjoy, and over inflated breasts of watermelon proportions; are not what I need to hook myself a decent specimen of a man...but an aging rocker scum bag hell bent on finding a woman who won’t care if he brings an extra set of implants, piercings or bucket size vag to the bedroom. Prince charming he is not.
Bret seems to have weeded out a good handful of boring misses on the show within the first two episodes; and frankly, thank the blessed cheese gods of this fact cause this show is here to make me feel BETTER about my life…While there seems to be a solid handful of ladies on this show that would be labeled ‘hot mess’; there is one that would take the prize, nay, shall I say CROWN for hot mess…Queen Hot Messitribialadysomethingorother…I must confess, she was my favorite of all seasons and dare I say it…messier than Daisy plastic contraption doll of yesteryear; a single tear feel and my guts cried for mercy when she was let go in the first episode...where she sat, alone, unable to walk in her intoxication long after the set had cleared:
Nikki
(Aka, DJ Lady Tribe, import model, LA street tagger)
Why do you find yourself face first in troth of booze? Apparently this horse can be led to water and drink the whole damn lake. Do you feel like you are hiding behind its gift of liquid courage? I have the pleasure of knowing you from the import car realm, modeling, DJ’in and your life as an L.A. tagger…you are no stranger to being in front of the public eye and the affections of men(and women), no matter how douchey.
Yet for some reason booze was your ally. I cannot remark as to what brought you to this stage in life…Oh sure, I can throw out the old clichés that all therapists and would be know-it-alls like to use…abuse, searching for love to fill a hole one or both parents created, troubled youth, or maybe all of the above and whatever else you can throw in a bucket mixed with Vodka and dash of anti psychotics.
Bret seems to have weeded out a good handful of boring misses on the show within the first two episodes; and frankly, thank the blessed cheese gods of this fact cause this show is here to make me feel BETTER about my life…While there seems to be a solid handful of ladies on this show that would be labeled ‘hot mess’; there is one that would take the prize, nay, shall I say CROWN for hot mess…Queen Hot Messitribialadysomethingorother…I must confess, she was my favorite of all seasons and dare I say it…messier than Daisy plastic contraption doll of yesteryear; a single tear feel and my guts cried for mercy when she was let go in the first episode...where she sat, alone, unable to walk in her intoxication long after the set had cleared:
Nikki
(Aka, DJ Lady Tribe, import model, LA street tagger)
Why do you find yourself face first in troth of booze? Apparently this horse can be led to water and drink the whole damn lake. Do you feel like you are hiding behind its gift of liquid courage? I have the pleasure of knowing you from the import car realm, modeling, DJ’in and your life as an L.A. tagger…you are no stranger to being in front of the public eye and the affections of men(and women), no matter how douchey.
Yet for some reason booze was your ally. I cannot remark as to what brought you to this stage in life…Oh sure, I can throw out the old clichés that all therapists and would be know-it-alls like to use…abuse, searching for love to fill a hole one or both parents created, troubled youth, or maybe all of the above and whatever else you can throw in a bucket mixed with Vodka and dash of anti psychotics.
You were prized above all else in this hodgepodge of girls...as you were ducky enough to insert a vile of alcohol into another woman's vaginal cavity to greedily consume into your ready mouth...makes me think of one with a fancy for a hermaphrodite...best of both words?
Nothing gonna make that shit taste better
I dunno, perhaps it's just me...but if you have to put a lime into a PBR to make that shit taste better...perhaps you should just drink a better beer
Am I right or am I right?!
I'm fucking right and you know it!
Friday, January 16, 2009
Therapy Session: Gia (rockluvIII)
Ahhh Gia, we can go one of two ways with the clichés here…
Scenario A: Maybe daddy didn’t hold you enough, resulting in this need to expose one’s self to gain the attention of a man you barely know. Did you barely know your father? Did he pay more attention to your brother? Possibly causing him to lean towards the homoerotic tendencies as he played grab ass in the locker room with his fellow football teammates. After all, daddy never wanted a little princess, now did he? Nor did he want his milkmaid dressed in clothing clearly the size of your mother’s fine linen napkins reserved for special dinner guests. You do realize that insufficient clothing can cause the body’s immune system to weaken due to fighting off infection from various forms of germs contacted through bare skin? Let alone the possible yeast infections or UTI’s you could contact if (I shudder to think it) you weren’t wearing the proper lady garments.
Scenario B: Perhaps daddy held you too much? As in, inappropriate ways and no, that is NOT an acceptable form of tickling; thus creating daddy issues that seem to befall the all too common stereotypical plague placed upon women who take their clothing off in a form of attention. Tsk tsk, I’m sorry dear; I’m not implying that YOU are a stripper; because we all know strippers get paid. You however, just strip to be an exabitionist cray cray loony on television, going after a man who’s been quoted to don the fineries of European hair extensions. Do you think your grandmother is spinning in her grave? Of course she is dear…
Next session we’ll discuss how you let another woman put a test tube filled with alcohol into your vaginal cavity for her to intake. Just because a vagina passes new life into the world, doesn’t mean you should take “drinking from the cup of life” to a whole new level.
Scenario A: Maybe daddy didn’t hold you enough, resulting in this need to expose one’s self to gain the attention of a man you barely know. Did you barely know your father? Did he pay more attention to your brother? Possibly causing him to lean towards the homoerotic tendencies as he played grab ass in the locker room with his fellow football teammates. After all, daddy never wanted a little princess, now did he? Nor did he want his milkmaid dressed in clothing clearly the size of your mother’s fine linen napkins reserved for special dinner guests. You do realize that insufficient clothing can cause the body’s immune system to weaken due to fighting off infection from various forms of germs contacted through bare skin? Let alone the possible yeast infections or UTI’s you could contact if (I shudder to think it) you weren’t wearing the proper lady garments.
Scenario B: Perhaps daddy held you too much? As in, inappropriate ways and no, that is NOT an acceptable form of tickling; thus creating daddy issues that seem to befall the all too common stereotypical plague placed upon women who take their clothing off in a form of attention. Tsk tsk, I’m sorry dear; I’m not implying that YOU are a stripper; because we all know strippers get paid. You however, just strip to be an exabitionist cray cray loony on television, going after a man who’s been quoted to don the fineries of European hair extensions. Do you think your grandmother is spinning in her grave? Of course she is dear…
Next session we’ll discuss how you let another woman put a test tube filled with alcohol into your vaginal cavity for her to intake. Just because a vagina passes new life into the world, doesn’t mean you should take “drinking from the cup of life” to a whole new level.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
It was very rude
From: Anna
To: Nathan
Subject: It was very rude
To: Anna
To: Nathan
To: Anna
To: Nathan
To: Anna
To: Nathan
To: Anna
Cause what else are we going to do? Work?!!
Mel: can we create a snarky blog together?
Anna: ooh, yes let's!
Mel: we're funny and oh so clever
Anna: but I would have to find a way to be witty at all times
Mel: what would we talk about?
Anna: I'd love a place to post all of the random quirky/funny/gross shite I find and we'd talk about whatever we want
Mel: good idea. What would we call it?
Anna: asinine?
Mel: nah, too smarty pants
Anna: synonyms
Mel: innocuous
Anna: as a word lover, vacuous is good
Mel: vacant is simple and good too. Innocuous reminds me of the LCD song
Anna: Innocuous connotes innocence. Oooh, we could use a LCD quote as the header! Get Innocuous? Losing My Edge?
Mel: focus Anna
Anna: Oh, insipid is another good one. Vacuous & Insipid. Maybe use both
Mel: hmmm...not bad
Anna: it makes the point by being redundant
Mel: right, but I feel like it’s too complicated...like people will go "wait Bertha, what was them words again?" "I dunno Jed, yous was always the smart one"
Anna: Again, making the point!
Mel: I’m just thinking simplify, but I am down for clever, bask in our intelligent glory and Mel's bad spelling I think I will purposefully not spell check my entries
Anna: I'm all for fancying it up with a bunch of words I read in the New Yorker and pretend to use all the time.
Mel: LOL. Deal
Anna: Excellent
Mel: and I can use myself as an example of the failure of school systems
Anna: fantastic! I'll use myself as an example of failed potential
Mel: HA
Anna: and the dangers of high intelligence grouped with deep emotional problems & a high dose of laziness
Mel: I just laughed OUT LOUD, like OMFG LOL
Anna: this blog will be so bad ass, we'll get a book deal
Mel: HA, I wish
Anna: and it will be made into a movie, I'm trying to decide if it would be cool enough that Margaret Cho would play me
Mel: OH and then I can retire and have lots and lots of sex with Adrian Brody
Anna: or if I should go for the skinny Lana bitch from Smallville
Mel: Cho rules but who would play me?
Anna: Adrian Brody is the only really, really skinny man I really want to devour in bed
Mel: yes yes, I want to break him...and I KNOW that dude's packing
Anna: he looks like fun; like, spend the morning in bed & then hit the town fun
Mel: mmmmmm delicious fun
Anna: Adrian Brody makes me ovulate.
Mel: we'll share
Anna: deal
So it is born upon you poor souls, that we shall pollute your eyes with our dribble, spewing forth like diarrhea of the mouth after consuming burnt curry at a 1star Indian restaurant...our blog.
(because we're fucking bored and need something to waste our excess time on)
Anna: ooh, yes let's!
Mel: we're funny and oh so clever
Anna: but I would have to find a way to be witty at all times
Mel: what would we talk about?
Anna: I'd love a place to post all of the random quirky/funny/gross shite I find and we'd talk about whatever we want
Mel: good idea. What would we call it?
Anna: asinine?
Mel: nah, too smarty pants
Anna: synonyms
Mel: innocuous
Anna: as a word lover, vacuous is good
Mel: vacant is simple and good too. Innocuous reminds me of the LCD song
Anna: Innocuous connotes innocence. Oooh, we could use a LCD quote as the header! Get Innocuous? Losing My Edge?
Mel: focus Anna
Anna: Oh, insipid is another good one. Vacuous & Insipid. Maybe use both
Mel: hmmm...not bad
Anna: it makes the point by being redundant
Mel: right, but I feel like it’s too complicated...like people will go "wait Bertha, what was them words again?" "I dunno Jed, yous was always the smart one"
Anna: Again, making the point!
Mel: I’m just thinking simplify, but I am down for clever, bask in our intelligent glory and Mel's bad spelling I think I will purposefully not spell check my entries
Anna: I'm all for fancying it up with a bunch of words I read in the New Yorker and pretend to use all the time.
Mel: LOL. Deal
Anna: Excellent
Mel: and I can use myself as an example of the failure of school systems
Anna: fantastic! I'll use myself as an example of failed potential
Mel: HA
Anna: and the dangers of high intelligence grouped with deep emotional problems & a high dose of laziness
Mel: I just laughed OUT LOUD, like OMFG LOL
Anna: this blog will be so bad ass, we'll get a book deal
Mel: HA, I wish
Anna: and it will be made into a movie, I'm trying to decide if it would be cool enough that Margaret Cho would play me
Mel: OH and then I can retire and have lots and lots of sex with Adrian Brody
Anna: or if I should go for the skinny Lana bitch from Smallville
Mel: Cho rules but who would play me?
Anna: Adrian Brody is the only really, really skinny man I really want to devour in bed
Mel: yes yes, I want to break him...and I KNOW that dude's packing
Anna: he looks like fun; like, spend the morning in bed & then hit the town fun
Mel: mmmmmm delicious fun
Anna: Adrian Brody makes me ovulate.
Mel: we'll share
Anna: deal
So it is born upon you poor souls, that we shall pollute your eyes with our dribble, spewing forth like diarrhea of the mouth after consuming burnt curry at a 1star Indian restaurant...our blog.
(because we're fucking bored and need something to waste our excess time on)
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