Professionalism at its Best

My goofy reply to a part-time work email.

Name: [redacted. The feds aren't the only ones who love censorship!]

Phone number: [redacted]

Availability: [redacted]

Carpooling (with whom, when/where they work, etc.): [redacted]

Any other pertinent info you feel I should know: A perfect, bookish, introverted, fun-loving, analytical, neatnik Leo who enjoys rich & spicy food, good whiskey, falling asleep on her couch, Japanese baths, tater tots and bean dip who also has very intense dreams that tend to come true like the time I dreamed that I fashioned a pair of wings from super-light, indestructible cobalt-titanium alloy and flew into the sun where I was transformed into a multi-dimensional dragon of paradoxically microscopic & astronomic size, with unlimited wisdom, knowledge & beauty as well as omnipotence. I then returned to dominate over the earth in a golden age of discovery, knowledge and partnership with the earth and all living things for 1 million peaceful years, called Pax PaxAnna. Then I got bored, sneezed and blew it all away.

Sincerely,

[redacted]

Can you imagine what her nethers look like?!

Women work hard to have sleek beautiful non fly-away hair that reflects that of a thousand suns blinding prospective prey (read: men [or ladies; I don’t judge]) in the process. Shit, Anna’s hair alone begs me to pet its soft soft exterior whenever I’m within arm’s length of her, whether she likes it or not! We subject it minimal washings, hot oils, expensive shampoos, styling aids and heat implements; all to make it look like we were blessed with a mane of a Greek Goddess of sex appeal.

This is why this young lady confuses me. Lets ignore the fact that its a progression of puff the magic dragon…from the hair to the eyebrows to the dead animal. It’s making me think of a dandelion that I’d really like to blow on a make a wish for one of the following: end global warming, improvement of our current economy, or hot steamy sex with the bearded tattooed boy I’ve been eyeing for months now.

I’m sure she is a very hip youngster, defying the laws of modern fashion trends and walking her own line of rebel. Alas, I am waiting for her in a dark alley with relaxer and a soft bristle brush. Put your opinions of my snarky sandy vagina aside….cause you have to admit, this hair needs to be tamed

Beware the porcupine lady

I would say couture because typically you think of craziness and avant-garde fashion with that word…you also think of its intention, which is “hand-made” one offs…however I look at this and think the following:

My temporary quick fix of a Hefty garbage bag rain coat met with an untimely accident against:
a rouge weed wacker hell bent on infesting the world with cowboy fringe
a rouge wolverine hell bent on ridding the world of shitting garbage bag rain coats
a rouge fashionista hell bent on supplying an eye sore in the name of trend setting

Or

I did a couple lines of meth while watching a marathon of bad cowboy B Movies and Blade Runner and thought that I was fashion forward and my black vinyl rain guard would be PERFECT with tassels, a zipper and an over sized monk hood…I should totally accessorize with my dull leather old maid shoes from my stint in the Catholic School. I rule